


Tapir

by tsar_saltans_swan



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftercare, Bisexual Kylo Ren, Coffee date, Fetish Site, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Horny Shut-in Hux, Hux's incredible refractory period, Kinda, Kylo's Nose, M/M, Meet-Cute, Modern AU, Nasophilia, No Refractory Period, Nose Fetish, Noses, Oral Sex, Romantic Fluff, Sleepy Cuddles, So..., Spit As Lube, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, camboy kylo, cuddles as aftercare, cum up the nose, light sneeze fetish, light snot fetish, light spit kink, post sex softness, sneeze fetish, snot fetish, taking some internet risks, they're there nonetheless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-10-25 18:44:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20728988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsar_saltans_swan/pseuds/tsar_saltans_swan
Summary: A horny, shut in Hux, bored of his regular porn fare, finds a new site run by a mysterious man named Tapir.Who is he, and why the hell is he called that when his nasophilia site is called bunny_nose.com?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Pay the Man by itsallaboutflowermetaphors and a weird fucking food coma dream I had after a particularly awkward Easter luncheon. Ever need fic ideas? Go out to eat, fall asleep immediately afterwards and inspiration will hit you like a motherfucking train.

Despite it being three in the afternoon, Armitage Hux’s bedroom was dark.

The thick curtains which veiled the windows were drawn and clasped together to block out all light; none coming in meant none going out. The door which led to the rest of his apartment was locked once, twice, three times, to ensure that no-one would catch him doing… this. The old laptop sitting on top of the bed filled the room with a dim blue light. Behind the laptop and in the nude sat Armitage Hux, the respected secretary of Alistair Snoke, wrapped in a thin blanket with a bottle of lube, a box of tissues, and Chrome’s incognito mode as his only company. He couldn’t believe he had gone through the best business schools in the country, earned the respect of his superiors, and became a millionaire’s closest confidant, all to end up on his bed, shivering, naked, and searching up “nose porn” in Google. In fact, it had become a compulsion, a routine; he’d wake up, throw on something respectable, clock in, clock out, come home and hunker down with this strange pornography of wiggling, snotty noses on beautiful, naked people.

“Nose porn,” he typed. The broad, “old faithful” search term and usual final attempt was first up to the plate. As always, things came up, but not many that would interest him. “Goddamn it,” he muttered to himself.

“Male nose porn.” Not much of this stuff went around, and this was even considering the videos behind a paywall. There were still options, mostly old standbys that he’d grown bored of. Maybe going through the pages would help. “Goddamn it,” he muttered again, this time a little louder.

Page 1.

Page 2.

Page 3.

All the mainstays, same ol’, same ol’.

Page 4.

Page 5.

Page 6.

7, 8, 9.

“Fuck,” he finally said aloud. It seemed with each passing page, there was less and less he was looking for. There had to be an end to this shit. There had to be. Web results weren’t infinite, he knew that. Hux usually wasn’t one to believe in a God, but in that instant, he closed his eyes, lowered his head and began praying silently to whatever god or gods were out there watching him (especially if they were patrons of finding very specific porn on the Internet).

Page 10. 

The first result on page 10 was a site by the name of  _ bunny_nose.com _ . It wasn’t a site he had seen before, nor had anyone anywhere else said anything about it. The description below the result had the site marketing itself as “Home of the web’s best nasophilia content!” 

Hux gave a heavy heave of relief. Something new, finally.  _ Thank the porno gods, _ he thought, as he clicked on the link.

The site loaded surprisingly quickly for a back-of-the-web porn site. He must have paid out his nose for a premium web hosting service. The browser window filled with a pastel lime green, almost the color of mucus. A box appeared, holding a man’s picture and a small blurb next to it. The blurb next to the picture didn’t say much; it was obvious to Hux that this place was a bit of a work in progress. What he could glean from it was his age (30), his star sign (Scorpio sun, Cancer moon), and his name, or at least his screen name; Tapir. The name choice was somewhat odd, being that the site was called bunny_nose, but Hux couldn’t worry too much. That’s what the name beside the picture was, so it was only right to assume that he was Tapir. 

But that picture. Sweet mercy, that picture. The man’s face was long, with a strong jaw and an accentuated chin. Fluffy black hair draped in waves over where his eyes and cheekbones should be. Between the two rivers of thick fringe was a set of thick lips and the focus of the entire site; his nose. And sweet, seraphic porno gods almighty,  _ that nose _ . It was a long, birdlike beak with a tall bridge and a roundish tip that stuck straight out. That alone was enough to rouse his cock from its dormant state. What’s more was that he had long, wide nostrils, so long and wide that they looked like you could stick anything into them; a cotton swab, maybe a pen, perhaps even a thin enough penis. Hux could already imagine them dripping with thick, gooey mucus (or perhaps come?), and the sound of him giving a thick, wet sniffle, though only audible in his imagination, made his hard-on even harder. Despite that, he couldn’t help but think that now the name made a bit more sense; of course he was called Tapir with a nose like that. Besides, it  _ was _ rather evocative of the half-formed trunk of a tapir.

Hux had to see more. He had to; he didn’t come all this way to just ogle at the homepage and leave. There had to be more, and after a second of scrolling down, he found some. Trouble was that it was all locked behind a $7.99 monthly subscription. Usually, he had the disposable income to buy this sort of thing, but payday was a week away, and whatever he bought now would come out of the 50% that he would typically put in his emergency bank account, disrupting the financial plan that he carefully craftedfor himself in 7th Grade Accelerated Algebra and followed faithfully to that day. He couldn’t bring himself to buy a subscription, at least, not yet. He could, however, make an account for when he was ready.

\-----

His username was lovelobster.

It was the first username he could think of. Even after trying all the username generators in the world, that was the one that stuck. Why love? Why a lobster? Why lovelobster? He didn’t truly know. Perhaps he could chalk it up to his mental state; after all, its hard for the human brain to come up with something coherent if the body attached to it is beginning to take the reins. Hux grumbled to himself about the username until suddenly, below the box and the many things locked by a subscription, came a small, flashing red button that read “Streaming in 10”. A click on the button revealed to Hux that the cam shows were the only things not locked by a subscription, possibly because they were so few and far between that they would be foolish to monetize. Hux just so happened to arrive at a time when this rare unicorn of a kairos stepped cautiously out of the digital woods and into the twig and berry filled clearing of his screen. 

_ “I should start praying to the porn gods more,” _ he thought to himself.

After a little bit of waiting around, the feed from Tapir’s camera slowly faded onto the screen. He looked near the same as he did in the photo; long nose, long face, plush lips, and eyes obscured by rivers of hair.

“Oh, is it going? It’s going. Hi, guys, it’s Tapir again with this month’s stream.” Tapir had a deep, rumbling voice with an American accent and a slightly nasal twinge, almost as if he had a perpetual cold. “You guys have been incredible with the donations recently, so as a sort of reward, I’m taking requests this time around. Any takers?”

Silence. The chat was a ghost town, and lovelobster was the tumbleweed that awkwardly bumbled through it, driven by the wind and his dick.

“Huh. Seems like the chat’s a little lonely today. There’s only one guy on here…”

_ “Shit,” _ Hux thought.  _ “Please don’t say lovelobster, for the love of the porno gods, please don’t say lovelobster… _ ”

“My analytics are saying that the only guy watching is a non-subscriber named lovelobster…”

_ “SHIT. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Lovelobster, how could I be so fucking stupid?” _

“Hey, lovelobster? Usually I only let subscribers give requests, but since its just us here, you can send a request.”

“FUCK, FUCK, FUCKITY FUCK FUCK,” he swore aloud. “What do I even ask for?” 

As much as he wanted to deny it, another opportunity was crossing his path; at this point, it would be foolish to let it slip away. He knew what he had to do. His hands shook as he placed his fingers gingerly on the home row. He took a deep breath, schooled his expression, and started typing. 

“I wish to request for you to”...

No. Too formal. This was a porn request, not a business email. Backspace, backspace, backspace.

  
  


“nostril flaring”...

No. Too direct, no courtesy. But at this point, Hux was so horny that he couldn’t be buggered to use proper conventions. Backspace, backspace, backspace.

“could you please do”...

Not exactly, but getting warmer. Still, backspace, backspace, backspace.

“how about some nostril flaring?”

Bingo. Enter.

The request promptly showed up on the screen in a pastel pink speech bubble on the side of the feed. 

“Sure thing!” Tapir said, thick lips turning up into a smile with crooked canines. “Let’s just get set up a little here…” He grabbed the webcam and perched it on a surface that was closer to that big, beautiful nose of his. He wiggled it around and scrunched it a bit, almost as if he was warming up.

“Holy shit, this is happening,” thought Hux. His cock was now standing at full attention in his sweatpants, rigid with blood and lust. He took some of the lube that sat beside him, squirted it in his hand, and grabbed the base of his cock.

Tonight was going to be a good night for lovelobster. He knew it.

Hux began to quickly and clumsily pull down his pants and underwear; one hand was busy, so his non-dominant hand worked in tandem with his toes to slip them off and throw them somewhere. While Hux was doing that, Tapir had angled up his head so that the stream had a better view of his nostrils as he began to flare them, almost to a rhythm. Their interior was a pinkish grey color, and in the fluorescent light, he could see that the inside was dewy and, dare he say it, moist. It almost was as if he wasn’t looking at a human body, but at 2 twin caves, emerging from the ground. He wanted to be small enough to go inside, to explore their wonders and feel their slimy mucosal walls on his skin. Alas, it wasn’t possible, but he could get a cotton swab to do the exploring for him; he could prod and tickle their wet interior, and perhaps, in another rare kairos moment, even trigger the warm, wet spray of a sneeze. The last bit about the sneezing pushed Hux’s prudish brain to attempt an override. Tapir didn’t have to do much to set his dirty imagination running, he thought; just a flare of his nostrils could send him into a tailspin. Still, he stroked up and down his cock to the rhythm of his flaring, which had picked up speed since his mind started to wander.

“You havin’ fun out there, Lovelobster?” Tapir said, his nose twitching slightly as he said the words. “Nobody here but you and me still. That’s kinda weird, isn’t it?”

“yes”, typed Hux. “somewhat” Hux was rubbing his cock faster now, occasionally teasing the tip. Again, he couldn’t be buggered to use proper conventions.

“Somewhat,” Tapir echoed. “Strong and silent type, I see. Then again, lobsters aren’t exactly known for their command of language.” He chuckled softly, a tightlipped smile playing across his face. “Anything else tonight, Lovelobster?”

Hux mind didn’t know how to respond, but his body sure did.

“sniff”, he typed with an unsteady hand.

“Alright, you tell me when to stop, ok?”

“ok”, Hux typed.

Tapir began sniffing his webcam like a curious animal, his nostrils flaring wildly as he took short, deep, snuffling breaths. Now, Hux was jackhammering on his cock, up and down, up and down, as if his hand was a part of the world’s worst amusement ride.

“You smell that?” Tapir said between bouts of sniffing. “That’s the smell of someone who gets all hot and bothered when a good nose comes along. You’re close, aren’t you?”

“ye s” Hux typed frantically.

“I figured,” said Tapir, his nose still twitching as he talked. “I can smell it.” He then started alternating between long, deep sniffs and short, snuffly sniffs, but as time went on, he switched entirely to the deep sniffs. The breath coming in and out of his nose was so hard, so forceful, that a tiny bit of clear, watery snot came dripping out of one nostril.

“dont wipe” Hux typed. “youre gorgeous”.

“Ah, you like that then?” Tapir teased. Tapir then put a finger to block the non snotty nostril and blew the other so that there was more snot, this time a bit more translucent. It was at this point that Hux came, forgetting the tissues beside him and coming all over his laptop screen.

“i ccame” Hux typed, still shaking from the force of his orgasm. “yyou csn stop”

Tapir grabbed his webcam again, perching it back where it was when the stream started. “You enjoyed that?” He asked.

“yess” Hux typed in reply.

“Glad you did, Lovelobster. I’m gonna end the stream and start a new one that I can advertise on Twitter. That’ll take two hours, at most. After that, though, you can dm me and I can hook you up with a discount sponsorship, maybe even a commission. See you then.”

After that, the screen went dark.

Holy fucking shit, that was hot. Hux had noticed something though; Tapir never showed his eyes. That in and of itself was off. Sure, it was only right to want anonymity in his line of work, but he had shown the rest of his face; why not his eyes? He had to find out the truth, but first and foremost, what time was it? 

4:00 PM. At 7 sharp, he’d get to the bottom of this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux does some digging and finds out more about the mysterious Tapir. Kind of a lull in the story; less fucky, more fluffy.

7:00 PM. The alarm on his phone made him jump as it shocked him out of the sleepy afterglow of his post-wank nap. Before that, he wiped the come off his screen, put his underwear and pants back on, and drowsily wandered to the living room, laptop in tow. He distinctly remembered that as he came out of the dark sanctuary of his bedroom, a furry body began weaving figure eights around his legs. He didn’t even have to look down to know that it was Millicent, his darling ginger tabby cat that had been with him ever since his first days in this apartment. She gave a meow that had the lilt of a question, almost as if she was asking where he had been. She then trotted over to her favorite spot on the loveseat, with Hux not too far behind. He sat down beside her and ran his hand across her back. As she began to purr, he couldn’t help but wonder if she knew what he was doing in that room, what he was watching, what he was imagining. Still, with the cat beside him and feel-good hormones coursing through his veins, he found himself drifting off into slumber. 

Now, though, the dissonant, blaring beeps from his phone were telling him it was time to… time to… goddamnit, he’d forgotten. What was it that he had set that alarm for?

Tapir. Oh, right. Tapir. It was 7:01, now; hopefully he wouldn’t mind him being fashionably late to the party. Hux flipped open his laptop went through the necessary steps to get to the website where he had enjoyed himself two hours earlier. There it was, the translucent mucus color filling the screen once more. Now he just had to find out how to reach him.

A look around the site revealed a bar at the bottom containing a few buttons, presumably where he could be found on Tumblr and Twitter. Tumblr was on the top, so it might be worth checking that out first. Alas, the link returned a 404 error, evidence that Tapir was one of the many poor souls struck down in the Great Tumblr Purge. Hux had a few friends who had migrated to Twitter after the purge, and of course, that was the next option up to bat.  _ This better work, _ Hux thought.

Ah-ha. He was on Twitter. It was just now that he remembered that Tapir said that himself; post-nap memory was never that reliable, after all. Now, how to get to his DMs… 

Oh, that’s right. He didn’t have an account.

At least, not yet.

\-----

For years upon years, Hux had made a secret vow to himself never to sign up for one of these big social media sites; they could never have his data, and they would never control him. But now, as he was freely giving away his personal e-mail and all the rest of his personal information, a sick feeling settled in his stomach, almost as if he was making a deal with the devil. What’s more was that he was using the same username and password as he had used on bunny_nose.com. A click of the final button solidified the agreement like a signature and a handshake; his data was Twitter’s, the vow was broken, and all for what? A hot piece of tail (or perhaps snout in this case)? 

“The things I’m willing to do for a good wank,” Hux muttered aloud with a disapproving tone. “How has it come to this?”

He had registered and confirmed his account, but now things were getting somewhat tense. Hux had told him 7 sharp, hadn’t he? Now it was 7:05; he was running five minutes late. As he quickly tracked his way back to Tapir’s twitter, his mind couldn’t help but race with implausible thoughts. If he was as prickly about time as Snoke was (which everyone in his life was), then his goose was cooked. “I’m so stupid,” Hux muttered. “What’s he going to think of me now, being late like this? Some customer I am.” Nevertheless, when he finally got to Tapir’s DMs, he took a deep breath and started typing.

“Hey, it’s lovelobster from earlier,” he typed.

“Oh, yeah! Lovelobster!” Tapir replied. “Are your location settings on?”

“What?”

“I can just see your location. Says you live in Manhattan; I live there too. Small world, eh?”

“It’s true. Anyway, am I late to this? I said 7 sharp, didn’t I?”

“No, no, not at all! You’re perfectly on time. I didn’t expect you to actually remember what I said about the DMs. Most people pester me about it a month later or never contact me at all, so kudos for that.”

“Thanks.” Hux heaved a sigh of relief. Having someone be cool with being 5 minutes late was a new experience for him, and a rather pleasant one. He had to get back to the topic at hand, though. “What were you going to offer me? I just woke up from a nap and my memory’s a little bit foggy.”

“A 3-month subscription to the site, and I might throw a commission in as well, but that’s up for debate. Still, you enjoyed yourself so much that you fell asleep afterwards?”

“Yes, I did.”

“I did my job, then!” Tapir inserted an emoji meant to take the place of a LOL. “Anyway, I’ll put that subscription on your account ASAP. Concerning the commission, I can give you that for half-off; You have any ideas for what you want?”

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. What was he going to say? “I noticed you never really showed the top third of your face and it was kind of strange, so it would be nice to see your whole face, eyes and all”? No, he couldn’t say too much without beating around the bush and being indirect. Perhaps silence was the best course of action.

“Still the strong and silent type, I see,” Tapir replied after a while. “I’m guessing that’s Lobster-speak for ‘I don’t know’. You liked the sniffing, right?”

“I did, but I don’t think that’s what I’m after.”

“Huh. Did you like the snot, too?”

“Immensely, but still, I’m not sure if that’s what I want.”

“I see. My clients often have rather roundabout ways of telling me what’s on their minds. I’ll tell you what; I can go get some daisies and film myself sniffing them for you. The only problem is that I’m incredibly allergic to daisies. They make my nose so itchy and red, and what’s more, they make me so, so sneezy…”

Oh, Jesus Harold Christ on a bike. That alone was enough to make his cock go hard again. Maybe he did have a sneeze fetish and couldn’t admit it to himself. Still, despite the temptation, he had a mystery to solve, and much like a very horny Sherlock Holmes, he was going to crack it wide open.

“Tapir, you tease. Still, not what I’m thinking of.”

“Huh. I bet you’re really good at 20 Questions, because you’ve stumped me. So, what do you want?”

“I want to see your face.”

“Oh, come on. You’ve seen plenty of my pretty mug already.”

“Your whole face.”

“Oh.”

“Oh what?”

“This is where we run into problems. I kinda have to keep myself anonymous, because if anyone knew that this was my side hustle, my ass would be grass. So, if I was to do a full face, I’d have to wear a mask or something like that.”

“I get the feeling. The entire life I’ve built for myself would shatter if anyone knew I was watching this kind of content. I know how to keep things hush-hush; it would just be me you’re showing.”

“It’s not. Usually I sell commissioned clips on Clips4Sale and put them behind the paywall on bunny_nose. I’m afraid that if my customer base knew I was a real person and, you know, not just a nose with some extra garbage attached, they would lose their trust in me.”

“This is a transaction between two consenting adults; you don’t have to send it anywhere but to me. You can even encrypt it if you want to. Besides, you have me, and I trust you.”

“I just don’t know. This is kind of a new thing for me; most people just wanna see a nose and not its owner, you know? But, you, why would you want to see the rest of me?”

“I love that nose, but I want to see the man behind it.”

“Alright, fine. Do you have Skype?”

“I do.”

“What’s your name and number on there?”

“Armitage Hux. 646-388-5784.”

“Open up your Skype app and wait.”

Hux did as he was told. The two minutes worth of radio silence was an eternity, or at least what felt like one. Soon, the synthy blips that signified an incoming call came from the laptop’s speakers.

It was him.

He took the call immediately and shook with simultaneous fear and excitement. The screen lit up with the same view he got during the stream, but with one difference; Hux could see Tapir’s face. His whole face.

“Hey, cutie,” he said, his crooked canine smile playing across his face. “You like what you see?”

Hux had to school his expression before he opened his mouth. “I… I do.”

“So, what’s shakin’, bacon?”

“Uh… you said you lived in Manhattan, right?”

“I did.”

“This… this might seem… like a weird request, but…”

“Don’t worry, I’m no stranger to weird. Lay it on me.”

“Will… will you go out for coffee with me?”

Tapir froze like a deer in headlights. His eyelids then relaxed as his lips formed a crooked, bittersweet smile and his cheeks turned a rosy pink.

“Is there something wrong?”

“No, it’s just that no-one online has ever… ever really asked for that. Or, at least, not as sweet as you asked it. Everyone who contacts me for an IRL meetup always wants me to fuck ‘em or sneeze on their dick or some shit. As if I’m just a nose and not a person, y’know?” Tapir sniffled, but not like the forced kind of sniffle from the stream; a real one, from tears running down his nose. Half formed tears welled in his eyes. “But it’s like… you get it. You want more.” He wiped away the tears from his eyes and repositioned himself.

“So, is that a yes?”

“Yes, yes, Hell yes! I’d love to! And I know just the place, too; it’s a place called Grinders. It’s in Hell’s Kitchen and it’s pretty fetish friendly, so there’s no Karens asking you to shut up about your dick. You can look up the address if you need. Do you want to meet about noon-ish tomorrow?”

“Noon-ish is perfect.”

“Alright, then! I’ll see you around noon-ish!”

The call ended, and slowly but surely, Hux was returned to the regular world around him, complete with laptop, loveseat, and cat.

Even though it was only 7:30, he already felt like going to bed. For the first time in what felt like years, Hux was happy enough with himself and what he had accomplished that day that he could clock out for the night earlier than he would have most days. He flipped the laptop down, grabbed the cat, and headed back to the dark sanctuary of his bedroom to wrap himself in the warm sheets and blankets that covered his bed and drift off into slumber as he had almost 2 hours before. 

It had been a hell of a Friday night; he knew that for sure. But somewhere deep inside him, he had a hunch that Saturday morning was going to be even better.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The grand finale. Hux meets Tapir IRL and horny ensues.

His phone told him this was the place. The address looked right; the photos of the outside matched up, and so did those on the inside, from what he could see. Try as he might to quell it, the little nagging voice in Hux’s head told him that this wasn’t the place, that Tapir mislead him, that he couldn’t do anything right.

_ “Oh, shut up,” _he told himself as he walked in.

As he walked in the door, the mellow lighting and dark coloration of everything around made things look surreal, as if they shouldn’t truly exist, but they do anyway. The café seemed somewhat empty, as only a few tables were filled; despite that, the area behind the bar was buzzing with activity. He went up to it and ordered off the menu. It only took a minute before the order was filled, piping hot and ready to eat. As he picked it up, he saw a familiar face in the corner of the café; the man with the long nose and black, wavy hair, sitting alone and sipping a tall coffee.

“Tapir?” Hux called out.

“Hey, Lovelobster!” Tapir replied excitedly as Hux took a seat across from him. “Maybe I should call you Armitage, since that’s your real name?”

“Please, call me Hux. And speaking of real names, your real name is…?”

“Kylo Ren, pleasure to meet you! And please, call me Kylo.” Tapir… no. Wrong name. Kylo was his name. Kylo. Kylo’s large hand nearly wrapped completely around Hux’s smaller one and gripped firmly as he gave a short yet forceful shake that was less reciprocated than it was transferred. Afterwards, an awkward silence came between them. Hux began to wiggle his toes inside his shoes. _ Damnit, Hux, _ he thought, _ two minutes in and you’ve already run out of things to talk about. What’s he gonna think of you now, you absolute fuckwit? _

Kylo took in a short and sharp breath through his nose, almost a sniff, but not quite. Hux’s cock twitched in Pavlovian recognition as his face turned a rosy pink. “_Oh, come on! You can’t be this horny.” _ He looked down to his crotch in order to diagnose the problem. _ “What is it, Lassie? Is Timmy in the well again?” _

Kylo, possibly sensing the tension in the air as well as Hux’s pants, broke the silence with some small talk. “So… what did you get yourself?” he asked, trying not to make things more awkward than they already were.

“An Earl Grey tea and a cheese danish, nothing more, nothing less.”

“Ah, so you’re a tea guy! Classy. How have things been going with you lately?”

“Not much has been going on except this whole thing with you, and the site, and…”

“And?”

This was it. This was the chance he had been waiting for all weekend. Today, Sherlock Horny was going to crack this case wide open and get the answers he was looking for; if he could muster up the courage, that is.

“Well,” Hux bit out, “I do have one question.”

Now was the definitive make-or break moment, the golden Kairos to end them all. Would he accept his request?

“Go ahead, lay it on me.”

“Why is your site called Bunny Nose when your username is Tapir?”

“It’s a long story, Hux. Are you sure you wanna hear it?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“There’s lots of bitchin’ to be done. You sure you’re sure?”

Wow. Kylo really didn’t want him to hear this, but was more than willing to let him. How strange. “Absolutely,” he answered, bracing himself for the answer all the while.

Kylo gave a sigh and began to explain. “About two years ago, me and my ex ran the site together. She was Bunny, I was Tapir. We started out just fooling around in front of a camera and posting it to porn sites, but after some comments on our videos, we found our niche pretty quickly. It was a good business. As long as people were horny for noses (and when are they not?), we had money we could live off with some to spare for new cameras, nose hooks and other stuff, the kind that you can deduct off your taxes no problem. The problem was that her videos were the ones that raked in the cash and paid the rent; it’s mostly straight guys that are into this, you know, so everything had to be aimed at them. I was just the side dish. About 6 months ago, we… we had a falling out.”

“What happened?”

“Well, on the personal, romantic side of things, we just didn’t click like we used to. It had become a purely business partnership; we barely even touched each other. What’s more is that if it wasn’t for that damn pervert that kept stalking her and asking her for the kind of acts we showed on the site, maybe the business side could have stayed intact. The breakup was pretty civilized; it wouldn’t make for good tv at all. However, her only request for me before she left was that she wanted to forget the site existed alltogether, and she wanted the site to do the same with her. So, I had to delete most of the site’s library; most of it was either Bunny by herself or the two of us together, and I had to ixnay that shit quick. The only thing that stayed after the purge were a few of my solo cock sniffing videos and not much else.”

“That must be tough. What have you been doing for money in the interim?”

“I’ve had to take some odd jobs around town to make ends meet. More recently, Patreon has been up my ass because I make adult content. Well, what do they expect? People’s boners are good fucking money. They have been since the dawn of civilization. What, you think that’s gonna change because some fuckin’ website’s upper management are clutching their pearls? Pssh. Fuckin’ world we live in, huh?”

“It’s very true. Everything has to be marketable, but everyone’s forgotten that sex sells, especially the kinky kind.”

“True that! Oh, and, uh… can you just… come sit beside me, I have something to show you.”

“What is it?” he asked, as he repositioned himself to the padded bench that Kylo was sitting on. 

Kylo took Hux’s nose in between his thumb and index finger. He began to run the two up and down its length, occasionally stopping to squeeze its round, cartilagenous tip and graze its perfectly shaped alae. “It’s you,” he murmured. “More specifically, it’s that nose, that beautiful little nose of yours. The bridge is nice and ski-slopey, and the tip is so round and cute and kissable… and… could you lift your head up a little bit?”

Hux obliged, tilting his chin up and putting his nostrils into view.

“Ah! And your nostrils are just… They’re so symmetrical! So perfect!”

Hux’s rosy cheeks were now a bright scarlet. He tipped his head downwards and away as he widened his nostrils a bit and gave a shy grin. “I’m… I’m flattered,” he said as his fingers brushed against his chin.

Kylo gave a gasp. “And they flare so well, too.” Kylo leaned in and planted gentle kisses along the length of Hux’s delicate little nose. He took the tip in his mouth and began to nibble it gently. Hux felt all the blood in his body rush to the tent in his pants when he felt both pairs of Kylo’s incisors graze against the cartilagenous tip. “Tell you what,” Kylo said after a while. “How about we go back to my place and fool around in a place that isn’t so… pubic, you dig?”

After several seconds of stunned silence, Hux had only thought of one response. “Kiss me right fucking now, you sly dog.”

“I’ll take that as a yes to everything,” Kylo said before pressing his lip’s to Hux’s.

\-----

Kylo Ren’s bedroom was dark. A pair of dress shoes and his favorite pair of Doc Martens were scattered hapazardly on the floor, their respective socks shoved into them. The black t-shirt and blue jeans that he had worn while out at the coffee shop earlier that day were in a pile not too far along in front of them; alongside it was a black turtleneck and a pair of dress pants of the same color, crumpled on the floor in a similar pile. A single lacy pair of underpants finished off the trail to Kylo’s bed, where he and Hux lay on their sides, passionately kissing each other with open mouths. Their hands scrambled to find the perfect places to grip the other so that they would stay close; their legs intertwined so that their crotches, complete with half-erect cocks, would just barely touch.

It had been a long time since Hux had been one of the dancers in this strange tango of body and mind. With other partners, he had remembered it being underwhelming, possibly because his fetish never came into play. But this? With this, he had a chance to make it truly satisfying for once.

“So, you ready for this, babe?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Let’s start, then. Could you stand up?”

Again, Hux did as he was told; he stood facing away from the bed, clearing away the detritus so that Kylo would have a place to kneel. Kylo came around to him and gave him a quick peck on the lips before slowly sliding his nose down his chest and abdomen, sniffing every nook and cranny. The sensation of his warm, snuffling breath made his cock grow to its full length. Even so, it took a while before Kylo was nuzzling the base of Hux’s cock, the copper wire pubes reaching up into his nostrils and tickling their sensitive mucosal walls ever so lightly. Hux felt Kylo’s nose twitch against his skin, almost as if preparing for a sneeze. Though he moved away quickly, Hux was already slick with precome with the thought of him sneezing, right there, with the warm, wet spray spread evenly along the base of his dick. He knew Kylo was open to the idea, and he could ask, but could he, really? 

No. He couldn’t even admit it to himself, why bother? He had better things to worry about, like how Kylo had just taken the tip of his dick in his mouth. _ Shit, that feels good, _ he thought. A wave of electric warmth began to roll through his body, making him shudder. Kylo pulled his tongue back and created a sucking pressure in his mouth, making the feeling even more intense. What’s more was that the warm breath emanating from his nostrils alone was enough to make him come. Having that big, beautiful nose that close to him, this huge, muscular man nuzzling and sniffing at his privies like an overly curious dog was so… taboo, so depraved. It felt so dirty, but it felt so good. Dirtygood. Dood. Girty.

Kylo released the suctioning pressure as he pushed Hux’s long, thin cock deeper into his mouth. He had placed one hand on the base and another on his ballsack, squeezing gently on both. Hux’s breathing was hard and heavy, a hint to Kylo that his orgasm was fast approaching. Kylo took his cock, now flushed a salmon red, out of his mouth and looked up at Hux.

“Are you going to come soon?”

“I think so, is that a bad thing?”

“No, not at all. I just have one request.”

“And that is…?”

“Come in my nose, Hux. Please.”

Holy shit. Did he just…? Does he want…? His come? In there? No. That wasn’t true. That was impossible. There’s no way in hell it could happen, but here he was, standing there like an idiot, dick in hand, trying to process his internet crush letting him fulfill one of his biggest, dirtiest fantasies with him as the target. 

“So, will you?”

Hux took a breath, trying to steady himself.

“Let’s do it.”

Hux took his cock and carefully positioned the head into Kylo’s right nostril. The wet, cartilagenous walls felt sticky and tight on his glans as he put it another centimeter or so in. Once he was sure it was snug inside, Hux furiously pumped the shaft. It only took a few seconds before he came with the force of his hips bucking forward, his white hot load filling Kylo’s nostrils. Hux removed his cock, still dripping with come, as Kylo stayed kneeling on the ground.

“Holy shit,” Kylo choked out, his voice slightly more nasal than usual from the new blockage in his airways. Little bits of Hux’s handiwork came dripping out of his nostrils. Usually, Hux would go soft after a good come, but the sight of his load running out of his lover’s nose as if it were mucus made him go hard again almost instantly.

Suddenly, Kylo's expression changed from one of mind melting satisfaction to one of discomfort. His nostrils began to flutter wildly. “Hux, did...”

"What? What's going on?"

Kylo strained, his nose now twitching frantically. “Did you eat pineapple? Or is ginger come just spicy? Because I think I’m gonna…”

_ eh… _ ** _ eh… Ehhkshiu!_ **

The sound was loud, sudden and deep, almost like a gunshot. A mix of come and mucus came shooting out of his nostrils and onto Hux's crotch; the liquid cocktail was still warm and gooey as it landed on his skin. Not a second passed before something else that was warm and gooey came shooting out of Hux. The release was more forceful this time, more cathartic. Hell, now it was a fairly certain possibility that he had a sneeze fetish _ and _ an incredible refractory period. 

Kylo stood up and gave a loud, wet sniffle and grabbed a tissue. He blew his nose, flopped onto the bed like a giant lazy cat and stretched out his lanky, overlarge limbs. “Well, Hux? What did you think? Did I deliver?”

“Sweet merciful shit, that was amazing.”

Kylo kissed his cheek. “Glad it was, cake pop." He smiled and then fell silent. With an outstretched arm, he reached over to grab another tissue and hand Hux the other. "Here," he said, his eyes aimed down in a crestfallen, sheepish manner. "For the mess I made."

Hux wrapped his arms around him. "No, no, I... it's fine! I think that actually was the icing on the cake!"

Kylo looked up with that same deer-in-headlights expression he had on the Skype call. "You really think so?"

"I do!"

Kylo smiled. "Y'know, I'm starting to think think I'm allergic to ginger pubes. But you'll have a lot more to put in your spank bank with me around, right?"

Hux laughed, really laughed, for the first time in what felt like years. "Yeah, that's true."

"But you know what the most important part is?”

“What?”

“Aftercare. Come, get under the covers with me.”

Hux put his lacy underwear back on and crawled under the duvet. As he nudged closer to Kylo’s overlarge body, he felt his eyelids grow heavy with each blink. He wrapped his spindly arms around him and began to drift off. Before he did, though, he took note of the situation around him. The soft texture of Kylo’s skin; his sweet, musky smell; the gentle ebb and flow of his chest; the sound of his slow, quiet heartbeat; and the warm sensation of his breath, rushing in and out of his nose and onto his lover’s skin.

It was eleven thirty at night, and Hux and Kylo’s room; no, Bunny and Tapir’s room, was dark and quiet.


End file.
